I AM VACCINATED! No longer will I be a plague carrier for that pesky H1N1 virus. I have never been so excited to get a shot before….

~*~

I don't know why I keep torturing myself like this. But I saw Twilight: New Moon. I seriously think something possessed me and made me buy a ticket and I only came to half way through the movie.

Anyway, long story short, It sucked. I didn't think something could suck that much. I know why I didn't like the movie, or the book for that matter. The main character Bella is a dip shit. She is a woman who cannot function without a man in her life and puts herself in dangerous situations to get her hunk of man back. If a girl did this in real life, she would have been raped and murdered or fallen off a cliff from her own utter lack of intelligence. And that sheer stupidity is what drives me insane.
I want my money back. If I ever meet Stephanie Meyers I am going to ask for my $6.00 refund.

~*~

The medical assistant job is going well so far. No patients have accidentally died under my care (SUCCESS), but I have unnecessarily asked them to take off their clothes (FAIL? or we'll see...)

It’s like that episode of Scrubs and Doctor-No-Pants…

Patient: I broke my arm!

Mal: Alright, let’s take a look at it. Would you mind taking off your pants?

~*~
Support a charity! I got a flock of ducks and a goat butt for people who are in need of a flock of ducks and the hind quarters of a goat.  Aren't they cute? I think so.

You too can buy the butts of many animals for people who are in need of them at Heifer International

Part Two: XXX-mas

( Dicks in a box and defiled cookies. Sounds like Mal's family again. )

I hope everyone has a very happy holiday! It looks like there is going to be a blizzard in MN over x-mas, so I am stock piling on booze, books, blankets and am hunkering down to watch a marathon of A Christmas Story and the Yule Log. It's a family tradition :D

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Most of the members of the convent were old-fashioned Satanists, like their parents and grandparents before them. They'd been brought up to it and weren't, when you got right down to it, particularly evil. Human beings mostly aren't. They just get carried away by new ideas, like dressing up in jackboots and shooting people, or dressing up in white sheets and lynching people, or dressing up in tie-dye jeans and playing guitars at people. Offer people a new creed with a costume and their hearts and minds will follow.

-Good Omens By Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett


""Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....""
— Christopher Moore Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal


"Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"

And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine."
— Christopher Moore You Suck: A Love Story

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From Waverly Films: Campiness and Extreme Girl Talk

Again, From Waverly Films: The Hauntening

The Soup: The Principle's Office
 

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Part One: Saviors on the sidewalk

I walk my dog about 2-3 miles every night. But tonight was the first night that we ran into some Mormons on BIKES. I thought they were environmentally friendly Geek Squad members at first. They gave me their little spiel about LSD LDS and I smiled and nodded and took a brochure. Ah, if they only knew I was listening to Flight of the Conchord’s Business Time during our encounter.

And then I got H1N1 and walking pneumonia. Then after all that I cracked a rib. Please just shoot me now to put me out of my misery. The only good thing about all this is how everyone now avoids me like the plague. Literally. Not gonna lie, that is kind of awesome. I am going to make a T-Shirt that says: “I got Swine Flu and Survived –Kind of…”

I am only miffed that I got H1N1 in the most wussy way (breathing). I didn’t even make out with complete strangers to get it.

But having a cracked rib blows. You can’t do anything without pain (breathing or moving). God forbid someone tells me a joke and I laugh. Sneezing nearly killed me.

Part Three: Escaping again

So, to spread the plague love, I am now off to Chicago for 5 days. I am uber excited. The last time I went it was incredibly awesome, despite the fact I got food poisoning on the first night…SO, now I am uber excited to have another viris & a cracked rib when I go. Maybe one time I’ll go there without being sick. Maybe. But I am pumped to see museums, get back on the subway (I miss my tube in London-Old Street Station FTW), see some art, and wander around aimlessly. Maybe even explore some Amish villages when I drive back.

Ta for now! Must finish packing

So I went to California earlier this July. And then I got knocked flat with the flu and went into a mourning state after watching Torchwood: Children of Earth. So, it's about time I posted some photos.

 

Other interesting things that happened in California:

squirrelarmy

squirrelarmy

A man came into my office today because his sink was blocked. I told him I work in graphic design not plumbing. He told me he was pretty sure that the reason his sink was plugged was because I was clogging the water pipes with my sink in my office. Here’s the thing, I don’t have a sink in my office (I know there are water pipes in the 18 foot high ceilings because I can hear the water when it rains, but being 5’3” myself, I cannot reach the ceilings, even if I stand on my desk) and despite telling the man that I have no sinks in my office and that I have to use the facilities or the water fountain a floor below, he barged into my office & went searching for it.

First off, rude.

Secondly, when one walks into my office, they can see how pretty open the floor plan is and how it seems kind of hard to hide a sink in here. That and they can see that it is plainly furnished by IKEA (cheap desks & tables for ALL).

Third, I assure you, sir, that there is no sink under my desk or in my work bag.* Please quit looking, you're spooking the interns.

Fourth, I do have access to ALL the security cameras to the building in my office (it’s in the coat closet next to my desk). I can pull the biggest heist of all time, but no one seems concerned about that...

Clogged sinks. SRS Business.

Coming in five whole parts!

Part One: Scenes from the family.

Mal’s Dad: Why are you drinking from the wine bottle?

Mal: Because there is only half of the bottle left & I don’t want to dirty up a glass.

Mal’s Dad: You’re either a resourceful or a lazy drunk.

Mal: I’m not drunk. When I am, I obsessively clean & tidy up everything in sight. It’s like I have temporary alcohol induced OCD or something

Mal’s Dad:…You are like the worst parts of me & your mother combined.

Mal: Thanks, I guess…That stove needs to be cleaned by the way.

~*~

Part Two: Movie Meme, taken from:merlinburgh
1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.

2. Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie.

3. Post them here for everyone to guess.

4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.

5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDB search functions.

Part Three: Book Review

Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

By: Anonymous

Funny, interesting, & hot. Coincidentally, what I like & look for in others. Actually had me considering different career alternatives…

Love the book, love the show.

 
Part Four: Drinking Games & Potential Alcohol Poisoning
merlinburgh & I created & celebrated our creation of the Torchwood drinking game. It was brilliantly nerdy and poisonous to the liver. Obviously it needs to be played again for all the seasons of the show.

Part Five: I’m getting out of here

Going to California for holiday. Keep calm & carry on kids. 
 

Long time no update. Way to be on top of things Mal.
This entry comes in 4 Germanic parts. Because my desktop calendar inspires me to speak in German.

Eins

Met this guy and had a drink with him this past Friday night. It was fantastically odd and awkward and awesome.
Mal, meeting random politicians in lake-side bars so you don’t have to!

I found the key to get any politician to sit with you. Pretend that you know them. They will then scratch their brains trying to figure out who you are & where they met you, while you prattle on about inane stuff to get them to talk ( i.e. "Hi Norm! What'cha doing up here?") It also helps if that Politician is named Norm and you've seen Cheers, cause then you can shout: "NORM!" ala Cheers. Like this.

Oh, and also don’t talk about politics. It’s just impolite. Norm and I talked about boats & Craig’s List. Which, coinicidently, he was buying and testing out a boat he found on Craig’s list. (I valiantly resisted talking about all the call girl adds I see on Craig’s List and instead talked about purchasing a copy machine from there…I know, I should have talked about escort adds, it would have been more interesting than talking about boats. But hey, it's Minnesota and there are a lot of lakes).

I have decided I am going to start a BINGO card for all the random politicians I see. It’ll be just like Road Kill BINGO…but not so dead-ish…maybe.

 
Zwei

Other than that, I'm making plans for my escape holiday in California, and planning awesomely nerdy drinking game weekends with merlinburgh, and am arting it up (I cleaned up my oil paints & brushes, bought canvas for a commission, and got oil & a new palette. Art is a process. A cleaning & organizing process in my case).

Drei
Saw the movie UP, It is now my favorite Pixar movie of all time. Seriously, it is awesome and cute, sad, and adorable, and hilarious. I can sing it's praises. I need to see it again.

Vier

What do you do for a dog with a broken tail? Argh! It's SO Frustrating.

I feel so bad for Dexter. The breaks not bad enough to warrant a late evening trip to the animal hospital, plus it's his tail and not a leg or foot, but I feel so bad for him. He is not acting like his usual self at all (for example: OMG I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!! I MISSED YOU I MISSED YOU! LET’S PLAY FETCH AND GO FOR A WALK AND EAT FOOD--SQUIRREL!!1!) Yeah, he is down in the dumps and is looking at me with those big sad puppy dog eyes and heaving doggy sighs. Poor puppy.  Was able to remedy some of the pain with pain killers hidden in marshmallows. Not much I can do till tomorrow. I think Dexter will eat me if I even think about splinting his tail. Maybe we can sit on the couch and I can ice it...

Nameless by Sam Starbuck aka copperbadge

Overall review: Loved it. Plain and simple. I only wish that it was longer. He has a way of writing that draws you in  and become lost in the world he creates. I think that's pretty damn good for a self published author.

You can read more about it & the process of writing it here

The Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and Times of Harvey Milk

By Randy Shilts

Overall review: Good. Especially for a biography.

As far as biographies go, this read like a gossip column had a love child with a historical journalist. It was fantastic. It didn’t hurt that Harvey Milk had a very interesting life. But all the more, it made me want to meet Harvey Milk and the people who worked and were friends with him. It also made me wish we learned about him in all my history classes. Seriously, I never heard about him till I saw the movie MILK or in  passing reference on random documentaries about the Seventies.

Also, on a completely random and totally surreal note, my grandmother, my sweet 67 year old family matriarch likes Torchwood. WTF?! I am still in shock. No one knows what that show is, except for a few strange and awesome people (usually my friends and other nerds). And then to suddenly discover at a family dinner that one’s little old grandmother rents it on Netflix and loves it...Seriously, I thought I was having a fever dream. No one, except my friends, know I love that show. With a passion I might add. It’s like heroin. You know it’s bad, but you can’t help yourself and you need it more and more. Maybe I am not the only odd duck of my family after all. I think my mind will seriously be blown if I discover she blogs about it…God, I hope not.

Boss: So did you watch American Idol last night?

Mal: No. Sorry, I don’t watch that show.

Boss: What do you watch?

Mal: Well, last night I watched a documentary about serial killers.

Boss: *laughs* Should I be worried?

Mal: No. Well, I don’t think so. But then again, most serial killers probably say the same thing…

Boss: Well, back to American Idol. You should watch it! A lot of people have become famous from that show you know.

Mal: You know who else is famous? Ted Bundy! Charles Manson! Jack the Ripper! Jim Jones—I could keep going. The list is long.